"Do not fear me Angry Existentialist," bellows the stranger in a surprisingly melodramatic voice, "I come to ease your tortuous angst!"
"Then your struggle has been in vain," mutters AE, "happiness is a stranger to me."
"Spare me the self pity!" boomed the stranger. "The antidote to your pointless ponderings is to turn your attentions to the current state of Western cinema rather than our place in a meaningless world."
And so AE was reborn, and his new life blossomed before his eyes. Suddenly a ray of light broke through his chaotic nihilism, and he understood his calling in life was to be a cinema critic. So without further ado, AE headed down to his local Odeon for a seemingly belated showing of...
-Part I-
-Gravity-
In a meaningless world, why bother spending time and effort making Sandra Bullock float around in space? Why go into space in the first place? Why do anything? AE is unamused by the pretty CGI, having made a resolution long ago that beauty was an illusion, indeed it was a concious attempt to force conformity upon aesthetics. Indeed AE cannot emphasise, or even understand, Sandra Bullock's bid for survival. What is left in her life now George Clooney has drifted into the void along with her chance of seducing him? Then AE remembers that sexual desire is also an example of mauvais fois and abandons this train of thought. AE leaves the cinema in even further dejection, with the film's themes of loneliness and depression encouraging him to write some criminally awful poetry about suffering upon his return home. As he shuffles across the car park, ominous clouds gather in the sky in a feeble attempt at pathetic fallacy. Passers by burst into fits of weeping just at the sight of him. He sees the bearded man standing before him, and decides to vent his anger:
"Oh mysterious stranger! Why did you encourage me to witness this utter waste of money? Who cares about attractive people in space? Why do men in spectacles sweat away for days creating images of humans drifting about aimlessly in the cosmos?"
"Are you forgetting the BAFTA for Best Director?"
"The BAFTAS seek to prevent me creating myself, by forcing conformity..."
"I think it's time we took you to see a comedy Angry Existentialist, I suggest..."
-Part II-
-The Grand Budapest Hotel-
A twee couple throw popcorn at AE as his huddled form perches on his cinema seat. He turns to glare at them, and the hollowness in his eyes murders their souls. AE's condition is so severe that neither Wes Anderson's masterful directing nor Ralph Fiennes expertly executed comedy can ease his pain. Indeed he is furious that the audience all seem to be laughing in the same places. Don't they realise that their freedom is being compromised? AE concludes that the film is too detached from the world of pain to be meaningful. But then again, nothing is meaningful, so it might as well be whimsical.
"What did you think of the film?" beams a delightful young woman who makes a habit of talking to strangers, innocently picked out the ones that least like to be talked to.
"Quirkiness is the refuge of those who cannot face life as it really is." The Girl looks baffled as AE and his long black coat swish off into the distance.
"I wouldn't try to talk to him," groans a disgruntled Daily Mail reader to the girl, "I saw him at Gravity as well. He was immune to Sandra Bullock's tear jerking performance. Heart of stone that one."
"Well if she was going to be that pathetic she shouldn't have been an astronaut," retorts the Girl, wounded by AE's snub.
As she wanders back to her cottage in the suburbs, which happens to be made of gingerbread, she considers how she can heal AE's anguish. In her mind, a pink bunny rabbit suggests sending a dark psychological drama would do the trick. So without further ado, The Girl encloses a suitable DVD in pale green wrapping paper, before tying a pink bow as the finishing touch. And so The Girl goes to the nearest postbox, which happens to be made of marshmallows, and posts a copy of...
-Part III-
-Black Swan-
AE's liver is being put to the test, as in order to drown his sorrows relating to the failure of his career as a cinema critic, several bottles of whisky have been emptied. The tears are now flowing in great abundance. The moonlight seeps in through the stained glass windows of AE's Gothic mansion, and thunder rumbles as The Girl's parcel plops through the letter box. AE more or less tumbles down the stairs, such is the density of his misery.
"Oh life!" he cries as he unwraps the parcel, "What do you want from me? What is the point of it all? Who can help make sense of the chaos of a Godless world?" The parcel answers him: Natalie Portman. Oh good, thinks AE, a bit of light-hearted ballet is just the sort of escapism I need.
After an hour and a half of sexual corruption, toenails falling off and psychosis, AE is left slightly stunned. So stunned that he has not had another swig of whisky for at least twenty minutes. Inside the case of this dark masterpiece is a note from The Girl:
-Meet me at 6:30pm tomorrow. There's a film I want you to see with me. It's called...
-Part IV-
-The Zero Theorem-
AE is prompt, and the casual observer can witness a dramatic change in him. For one thing, the black coat is a thing of the past. He is wearing a lurid shirt and a pink suit. The Girl is equally shocked to see him in such a state, and the surprises keep on coming as they proceed to make small talk. Hand in hand, they walk into the darkened cinema to appreciate Terry Gilliam's latest work. Little do they know that they are being followed by The Girl's Jealous Lover, a muscle bound man with a waxed mustache.
The Zero Theorem, focusing on the negative impacts of faith and the denial of life, means AE finally feels a sense of release from his existential anguish. He realises that unlike the protagonist of the film, he should embrace the chance of redemption offered by The Girl.
And so, after thoroughly enjoying sitting in the dark and ignoring each other, AE and The Girl decide to take a trip to the Sentimental Ending Restaurant before they part company. But they become aware of Tense and Scratchy String Music to Indicate Tension, Jealous Lover is following them! This brings us to...
-Part V-
-The End-
AE and The Girl turn to face their nemesis. Jealous Lover announces his quarrel:
"How could you leave me for this moaning runt?"
"He has Deep Thoughts," screams The Girl, "you never did!".
And so a Somewhat Ludicrous Chase commences, as AE feels the need to adopt a very silly run, so he's not conforming to other people's styles of running. The run seems to be loosely based on Natalie Portman's ballet moves in Black Swan. Soon the chase leads them to the top of Possibility of Tragic Death Tower Block. The couple realise that their luck has run out. Jealous Lover draws a pistol from his belt.
"You have stolen my hipster girlfriend, and tonight you shall pay the price!" wails Jealous Lover.
And so the Angry Existentialist looks death in the face, and regrets that he has not accessed true freedom and created himself in a truly unique fashion. Nevertheless, he will be stoical to the end. He closes his eyes. Draws back the curtains. And sees for certain. What he thought he knew.
And suddenly he is singing Joseph and the Technicolour Dreamcoat. The Girl and Jealous Love watch aghast, as he somehow manages to make Andrew Lloyd Webber's music seem even worse than it is. He begins to dance in a ridiculous manner. Such is the flamboyance of his dance moves that he accidentally topples into the abyss. A collective gasp concludes the First Act...
