Picture the scene. Roland, a trendy, swagalicious DJ is booked to play a prestigious gathering, where some funky tunes are required to soundtrack the various acts of debauchery set to occur. The night before, Roland chooses an outfit, involving a baseball cap that almost certainly will not be worn the right way round, and a fluorescent green hoodie that ought to be tried for crimes against humanity. But lo and behold, Roland has neglected to prepare any music for the gathering. And what's more, his principles dictate that he can't buy any, as he happens to be a Marxist. Therefore, his funds would find their way into the hands of the greedy bourgeoisie, be it the managing director of HMV or some oily man in a three piece suit at the record company. It doesn't bear thinking about! If only Roland could somehow construct a playlist that didn't involve spending any money. Sadly, he is all too aware that there is no such thing as a free lunch in an advanced capitalist society, or free LP for that matter. At this point, Roland is confronted by a blinding light, from which descended the Angel of Pop.
"Rejoice Roland, for I bring great news," began the Angel in a somewhat pretentious manner, "You have been chosen to preach to the world that some of the greatest singles in pop music can be acquired for no money at all, and perfectly legally too! Take these tablets, and upon them copy down the best playlist in the history of ears!"
Track 1: Too Close- Alex Clare
Source: iTunes Single of the Week
Roland is proud to say that he liked this bombastic opening track before it became a mainstay on Radio 1, to be often played obnoxiously loudly by obnoxious people in obnoxious places. Mr Clare oozes charisma as he recites fairly dubious reasons for breaking up with his girlfriend, before he rather clumsily drops the bass. As he fumbles around on the floor trying to find it again, he blasts out a memorable chorus.
Track 2: No Angels- Bastille
Source: The Darker Regions of the Internet
In a move that defies all commercial sense, synth-pop sensation Bastille released two albums of innovative covers for free on the internet, before promptly deleting all links to them. Fortunately, after many hours of careful searching, Roland managed to recover
Other People's Heartache Part II,
Part I being seemingly lost forever. Again this song seems to have become exceedingly popular, and neither Roland nor the Angel of Pop have quite worked out where people are getting it from. Nevertheless, this is a funky reworking of The XX's unbelievably dull
Angels, and TLC's
No Scrubs. Marrying The XX's moody instrumentals with a tune that is not drenched in angsty misery actually makes for an interesting listen. Although the tune will never leave your head. Ever.
Track 3: Homesick (Live)- Catfish and the Bottlemen
Source: Reward for Signing up to their Mailing List
Time for a bit of good old fashioned rock and roll. After a smooth, melodic verse, floppy haired lead singer Van McCann (cruel parents) goes full throttle on his domestic problems. Roland was one of the few people to attend one of their concerts, where they supported the equally esoteric Little Comets. Bizarrely the band T-Shirts are emblazoned with a giant sperm (McCann patiently explains that he was a test tube baby), so now whenever Roland has sex he can hear Catfish and the Bottlemen playing in his head. He has considered taking this to a psychiatrist, but feels a little embarrassed....
Track 4: Snowflake- Kate Bush
Source: Starbucks Download of the Week
After a frantic slice of rock and roll, the pace slows down dramatically as pop royalty takes centre stage. Taken from her 2011 comeback album
Fifty Words for Snow,
Snowflake is perhaps not the most obvious single. It's hypnotically repetitive, accompanied only by a haunting piano part and it's a bit long. When Roland first heard it, he was ashamed to say that he fell asleep halfway through, before being unceremoniously nudged awake by the Angel of Pop and charged with a lack of respect for musical Gods. Nevertheless, Roland does find the song growing on him, and on repeated listens it's slightly less nauseating that "no, I don't no scrubs, scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me!". Indeed, the Angel of Pop insists that the fascinating metaphor of the unique snowflake about to be consumed by the snowfall in the forest and the characterisation in Bush's voice make this a different standard of pop music. Roland looks confused and nods in a docile fashion.
Track 5: Tremors- SOHN
Source: iTunes Single of the Week
Time for a return to synth pop, but unlike Alex Clare's bombastic bass lines, SOHN's creates an understated and haunting atmosphere. His delicate voice sours over the melodious synths, insisting that "if you're thinking of letting me go then it's time that you do". Moody and beautiful stuff.
Track 6: Laughter Lines- Bastille
Source: iTunes Single of the Week
The Angel of Pop does enjoy a bit of Dan Smith and his reliable indie pop. This track wasn't on the band's debut
Bad Blood, but easily stands out as one of their best tracks. Highlights include flamboyant violin flourishes and a splendid moment of a cappella harmony. And it's happy, which is quite something compared to their usual themes of natural disasters (
Pompeii), pyromania (
Things We Lost in the Fire) and dead teenage girls (
Laura Palmer).
Track 7: The Conversation- Texas
Source: Starbucks Download of the Week
The Angel of Pop is acutely aware that Roland's playlist is in danger of suffering a mid-album flop, a fate surely much worse than death. To prevent this happening, some seriously stylish pop is needed, and thankfully Texas is on hand to provide it. The funk is laid down earlier on with a seriously cool guitar intro, before Texas's clipped vocals complete the irresistible soundscape. If you're foot isn't tapping, it needs amputating.
Track 8: Skin- Rae Morris
Source: Her Website
Who? you may ask. Well, a sort of middle ground between the clean cut naivety of Birdy and the swagger of Lorde. Morris's mellow voice sails in above some pristine tinkling sounds, before admitting that "we break the ruuuules and listen to our own skin". Roland also listens to his skin, which occasionally tells him that washing might be a good idea. The Angel of Pop bemoans his simplicity.
Track 9: History Book- Dry the River
Source: iTunes Single of the Week
A louder, and altogether trendier, version of Mumford and Sons, Dry the River have better vocals, less banjos and choruses with more bight. In one of their quieter songs, singer Peter Liddle gets all nostalgic about a past relationship with some bittersweet guitars and reflective lyrics, before going full on pastoral in a euphoric climax: "our sweetness sings in the pasture/ we throw ourselves on the mercy of the Earth"). Bravely second guessing expectations for a simple strophic songs,
History Book is one of the surprise hits from an incredibly memorable album, and therefore deserves its place on the Marxist playlist.
Track 10: One Day More- Les Miserables
Source: Starbucks Download of the Week
Like all good things, and fortunately most bad things, the Marxist playlist must come to an end. Having been deprived of anything to dance to pretty much throughout the playlist, the final blow comes in the form of musical theatre. It's the climatic moment of the French epic: Jon Valjean thinks his cover is blow, Marius and Cosette face the prospect of separation, and Javert is planning to brutally crush the coming revolution. What results is a melodramatic sing off. Slightly more manly than West Side Story, but admittedly not by much.
And so Roland the Marxist DJ mounts his skateboard and goes charging towards the venue of the hedonistic party, iPod harboured safely in the pocket of his jeans, which threaten to fall round his ankles. The guests are blissfully unaware of what horrors await them...
"Don't be a fool Roland!" His voice echoes inside Roland's skull. "You can't just pick the one you got free from Starbucks, they'll be wise to that."
"Really?"