Musings of an Angry Existentialist (at the Cinema): Act 4

Still shaken after the explosive conclusion of the third act, spluttering echoes around the theatre as the Bourgeois Audience choke on the dust that once was the Odeon cinema. A wealthy socialite violently shakes the filth from her inordinately expensive dress, glaring angrily at the husband who took her to this ghastly play. In the row behind, a bulky skinhead weeps pitifully at the death of Hipster Girlfriend, and bemoans the cruelty of a world without her. Before the cacophony of discontent his ended, the curtain begins to raise, signalling the beginning of the penultimate act.
The setting is a dusty psychiatric ward. On a bed with a supernaturally creaky mattress lies an emaciated figure. On the bedside table is a well thumbed copy of Jean Paul Sartre's Nausea. A steady drip of tears can be heard as a sizeable puddle of salt water collects on the floor. The audience begin to feel a strong sense of deja vu. Was this not also the opening of the second act? The more astute theatre goers notice a detail that passed unnoticed before. Angry Existentialist (AE) is staring in horror at the lightbulb in the room. The treacherous Bearded Stranger interrupts AE's sorrow.
"How did you find me?" AE's voice tremors with the depth of his pain.
"I found Mysterious Beginning hospital and drew my own conclusions," responds the bearded stranger with an appropriate level of solemnity. There is a brief pause. "Your Hipster Girlfriend is in grave danger. You must come out of hiding, and re-enter civilisation in order to save her from the clutches of her Jealous Lover."
"But hell is other people!" whines AE.
"Her heart is heavy with longing for you. It is time to shake of your morbid stupor and rise to your role as Initially Underwhelming But Ultimately Heroic Protagonist."
"Well, if you insist...." As the two men leave the ward, a doctor violently protests that AE is not ready to face a world of lightbulbs in which everyone's arm will look like Jared Leto's.
"There are causes higher than Angry Existentialists sanity," responds the Bearded Stranger gravely. "He must make the ultimate sacrifice in order to save his Hipster Girlfriend." AE is about to protest along the lines of the primacy of the individual in existentialist philosophy, but he is silenced by his conscience. Bearded Stranger now grasps AE's arm and storms through the hospital. His eyes show a steely determination which unnerves AE, but currently he is more concerned with all the lightbulbs he is passing underneath, which almost certainly he will have to munch on. AE wails for the Bearded Stranger to slow down, but he is ignored. A tear rolls down the Bearded Stranger's cheek as they near the main doors of the hospital. As the Bearded Stranger flamboyantly flings them open, AE is blinded by the sunlight and is initially unaware of the two police officers advancing towards him.
"Here he is," declares Bearded Stranger in a flat, gruff voice. Before AE is aware of what's happening, he is in handcuffs.
"Angry Existentialist, I am arresting you on suspicion of multiple counts of murder and the destruction of the Odeon cinema in Rundown Town. You do not have to say anything..."
"Bearded Stranger!" wails AE is he is unceremoniously hurled into the police vehicle, "How could you betray me?" As his plan unfolds to perfection, Jealous Lover is watching...

-Part I-

-Monty Python: Live (Mostly)-

Jealous Lover is outraged. Television suits have interrupted his viewing pleasure, as the Penis Song is deemed inappropriate for pre-watershed viewing and completely cut from the live broadcast. His anger soon bubbles over and he hurls an albatross at the screen.

"How could they do this me?" he yells, face the colour of beetroot with beads of sweat dripping from his nose. "I pay my licence fee! Is is my right to listen to the Penis Song. Damn you television executives!" He slams his hand down on his servants bell, and a moustachioed henchman hastily arrives.

"I want the head of the GOLD television network murdered!" he cried.

"It shall be done," responds the characterless servant, who quickly leaves to do Jealous Lover's bidding. By the time the Bearded Stranger arrives, Jealous Lover is in fits of laughter over the Lumberjack Song.

"Angry Existentialist has been delivered into the hands of the police, as you commanded," he says solemnly. An air of sadness and guilt now pervades the Bearded Stranger.

"Good, good," responds Jealous Lover impatiently, eager to return to the Pythons.

"You said you'd take the explosives from my beard..." Jealous Lover's thumb comes hurtling down to thunderously press the pause button. He turns to the Bearded Stranger with a look of pure hated in his eyes.

"And why should I do that?" he snarls. Spittle drenches the Bearded Stranger.

"It was our agreement..."

"Why should I agree to anything? I hold all the cards here. At the push of a button, you would be no more, you would cease to be, you would be an ex-bearded stranger. You are entirely in my power." The Bearded Stranger turns deathly pale and wobbles slightly on his feet. A trembling hand attempts to remove Jealous Lover's spit from his face.

"So I betrayed my friends...for nothing."

"Nonsense! If you hadn't done exactly as I asked then you would not be standing her today. When I require your services again, you shall be called for."

"So I'm your slave!" Bearded Stranger is now shaking violently with fury. Jealous Lover can feel the heat of his anger. The Bearded Stranger's chin is roasting and wisps of smoke begin to escape from within his beard.

"I wouldn't think of it like that. As our existentialist friend would hasten to inform us, we're all slaves to social norms. It's just that the deal is more explicit with you." This is the final straw for the Bearded Stranger. He launches himself at Jealous Lover, who is terrified as one of the reasons Hipster Girlfriend jilted him was because of his lack of biceps. He shudders at the prospect of bruises appearing on his perfectly pampered face.

"Stop!" he roars, "or I'll detonate your beard."

"Then we'll both go down together, my exploding beard will be fatal to you." Jealous Lover's mortality suddenly flashed through his eyes. His heart beats shudderingly, and he begins to nervously hum Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.

"Give me back my beard!" cries the Bearded Stranger. He is holding the puny figure of Jealous Lover by his moustache. But his advantage is brief. Before he can stop him, Jealous Lover's spindly hand is thrust down upon his servants bell and within seconds Bearded Stranger is dragged away and restrained by moustachioed henchmen. He realises that now the game is up. He has played all his cards, and awaits death at the hands of Jealous Lover. He closes his eyes and tries to force an air of serenity upon himself.

"Oh Bearded Stranger," begins Jealous Lover smugly, "you've made some very, very bad decisions. And now it is time that you pay for them. Have you any last requests?"

"Let me send Angry Existentialist a film," whimpers Bearded Stranger as he chokes back tears, "let me send him....

-Part II-

-The Great Escape-

"What a waste my life has been!" AE begins his soliloquy with spirit. "My true love has been murdered by my spineless friend. I sought to make myself, instead I have been undone by the cruelty of a heartless world." AE has been condemned to life imprisonment. The evidence was conclusive. 'Existence precedes essence' was scrawled in graffiti over the ruins of the Odeon, whilst pages from Camus's The Outsider were to be found floating in the breeze when the police arrived on the scene. The prosecution suggested that AE committed the atrocity as an act of existential angst, similar to the shooting of the Arab in The Outsider. The defence felt intimidated by literary references, and were at a loss as to how to respond. It took the jury seventeen seconds to decide on a verdict. But we are interrupting AE soliloquy and he continues by beginning to sing in a monastic recitative.

"Why me? Why did my girlfriend have to have a psychotic former lover? But do I regret meeting her? No!" At this point a DJ enters stage left and begins to lay down some beats. A disco ball descends from the ceiling. The sound of unfastening Velcro can be heard as AE's prison clothes are flung from his now gyrating body. The audience gasps as they behold their protagonist wearing only some sparkling Y-Fronts. Some ladies in the front row faint.

"I lover her!" proclaims AE in a melodramatic musical theatre style. He is suddenly flanked by hordes of backing singers who respond:

"He loves her!" They begin to sway and clap.

"I saw her at a movie/ It really was quite groovy/ She's even more attractive than Ralph Fiennes!"

"Oooh Ralph!" coo the backing singers. Hordes of dancers flock onto the stage, and begin to throw their bodies into all sorts of bizarre contortions. 

"Helena Bonham Carter/ I say my girl is smarter/ Ben Wishaw is a cutie/ But my girl is more fruity/ She's really quite attractive/ She makes my heart quite active/ I'd really like a peerage/ But I prefer her cleavage/ I also like her face/ There's nothing I'd replace/ Yes, I looooooove heeeer!"

"He looovvvvvessss heeeer!" The dancing has become more frantic, and the DJ chooses this moment to drop the bass. A rapper joins AE on stage, and takes over from AE's appalling rhymes.

"He quotes Paul-Sartre like a pro/ He gets quite gloomy, feels quite low/ Heidgger, Husserl, a bit of Nietzsche/ Pain and suffering's his best teacher/ His everyday thoughts are really deep/ He writes poetry before he goes to sleep/ It's a shame that it's all bloody awful/ He'd happily give Aristotle an earful/ For saying there's a common human nature/ Watch out essentialists, he'd berate ya/ He's an angry existentialist/ Yeah he's an angry existentialist!"

"Oooo Angry Existentialist!" coo the backing singers. The dancers have by now at least trebled in number. Outsider AE's now somewhat cramped cell, prison wardens and prisoners alike are grooving to the funky tunes. But suddenly the music stops, as a DVD is pushed through the flap at the bottom of AE's cell. The assorted dancers, backing singers, DJ and rapper peer over AE's shoulder in tense anticipation as he examines the DVD. A smile spreads across AE's face. He lovingly opens the case, dreaming off alleviating the monotony of prison with the highlights of Western film-making. But the contents are even better than he could have imagined. Inside is a small explosive device and a note from the Bearded Stranger. It reads thus: I know you can never forgive me, but use this explosive to escape from prison and have your revenge on Jealous Lover. Love from the Bearded Stranger xxx. 

"He turned out all right in the end," sighs AE, before hastily placing the explosive on the wall and instructing everyone to stand back. In less than a minute, AE and his troop of singers and dancers joyfully escape from prison doing the can-can. But he is unaware of...

-Part III-

-The Final Cliffhanger-

Bearded Stranger trembles. He is tied to a chair, which is suspended by a rusty chain over a dark pit. His beard is in disarray, and he is facing the smug figure of Jealous Lover.

"You see I could have been merciful," continues Jealous Lover triumphantly. He has been gloating for the past five hours, and the Bearded Stranger is almost ready to welcome death if it means the end of his speech. "I could have simply detonated your beard, and you would have tumbled off this mortal coil in an instant. But you don't deserve that, and it's much less fun for me. Instead behold..." The pit is illuminated. "...the pit of carnivorous kittens!" Bearded Stranger nervously looks down into the pit. The kittens are staring back up at him. The small bundles of fluff have crazed looks in their eyes, and their leathery tongues provocatively lick their lips. Some of them growl at him, exposing their razor sharp fangs. There is a jolt as the Bearded Stranger's chair begins to descend into the pit. The curtain falls to the Bearded Stranger's ear piercing screams as he prepares to be devoured.

Musings of an Angry Existentialist (at the Cinema): Act 3

Muted conversation can be heard in the audience as they await the commencement of the third act. A Disgruntled Gentleman complains that the plot is entirely unrealistic, and what's more shirks any element of social critique, for him a much greater evil. With a tragic sigh, he flips through some pages of Marx's Capital before the farce can continue. Beside him, a clandestine couple plot murder, whilst the cuckold is buying ice cream:
"It has be done," demands the icy temptress, "otherwise we can never be together". Her face dives forward to kiss her lover violently, but he shows reservations.
"But what if we are caught!" The man has an unnaturally high voice. "They'll send me to prison! They'll force me to wear those stripy prison clothes, when we both know that stripes always add a few pounds." A look of disappointment which words cannot convey can be observed inhabiting the woman's face, but her savage rebukes are silenced as the cuckold returns with the ice creams. Meanwhile, a bohemian hipster in a flowing scarf is conversing avidly with his neighbour.
"Honestly, the Matisse exhibition is simply to die for! The sheer vibrancy of the colours, and the uncommon textures..."
"I did quite enough collages at primary school, and there is no way you can convince me that that's a snail..."
The man's objections to French art are silenced by a heavenly voice reminding the discontented audience to switch of their mobile phones.
"Here's to another hour of utter boredom," moans the Disgruntled Gentleman. The curtain rises and your phone begins to play Call Me Maybe at an embarrassing volume. Ashamed of both your ringtone and your brazen flaunting of the heavenly voice's commands, you struggle to silence it as the Bearded Stranger ambles to the front of the stage to deliver a heartbreaking soliloquy as....

-Part I-

-The Bearded Stranger Struggles with his Conscience-

"What have I done!" comes a voice from within the undergrowth of the Bearded Stranger's beard. "Sacrificed my liberty, betrayed my friend, all for the sake of facial hair. Oh, what a fool I am!" At this point, the Bearded Stranger's Conscience enters stage left. The Beaded Stranger gasps, turns pale and clutches his beard. He has seen what his conscience is brandishing as it walks towards him. It's a razor!

"But no!" he cries, "There is something...necessary in a beard. A beard is a man's very essence! It is unreasonable to deprive him off it." His conscience advances still closer, and its intent is clear. "Now listen you! I cannot forsake my manliness! I will not! I would rather die, damn you!" His conscience is now nearly upon him. The razor is reaching out towards the verdant beard. "No! No! I won't let you do this! I'll....I'll fight you!" And so the Bearded Stranger begins to struggle with his conscience. He aims a sharp punch to his conscience's left cheek, but he soon realises that consciences play dirty. A well aimed kick is aimed at the Bearded Stranger's groin, and he collapses in agony. 

("Good gracious, this is terribly low theatre," mutters a Theatrical Snob. Her husband meanwhile winces in sympathy for the Bearded Strange, who is now being violently pummelled by his conscience)

The Bearded Stranger's screams suggest he never had any manliness in the first place, but in the midst of his agony, he is desperately defending his beard from his conscience's razor, allowing his hands to be slashed instead of endangering his facial growth. The struggle continues. The Bearded Stranger successfully knees his conscience in the stomach, and is now gaining the upper hand.

"I was only trying to help you," wails the Bearded Stranger's conscience, before disappearing in a puff of purple smoke. The Bearded Stranger chokes on the fumes as he continues to breathe heavily. His clothes are in tatters, and blood is pouring from the gashes in his arms. But these battle scars are insignificant to him. He has overcome his conscience.

-Part II-

-Oculus-

"My Hipster Girlfriend's life is in danger, and what do you tell me?" cries the Angry Existentialist (AE) aghast. "You want me to...to review horror films!" The Bearded Stranger now leans in close to AE and speaks in an urgent whisper.

"Listen my friend! Hipster Girlfriend has escaped from her imprisonment, and is currently residing in a safe house, the location of which I cannot disclose to you. Your return to society has been noted, but if you return to your old ways as a cinema critic you will not be perceived as a threat. However, if you attempt to find your Hipster Girlfriend, her cover will be blown and both of you will meet a grisly end at the hands of Jealous Lover."

"But what of the role I must fulfil as Heroic Protagonist?" protests AE.

"There will be time for that later, for now the only reasonable course of action is to lie low until Jealous Lover becomes complacent."

"You counsel wisely," AE sighs, "but why horror films?"

"You must broaden your palate as a film critic. And a horror review is a very simple matter. You just say if it was scary or not."

And so AE did what he swore he would never do again: he walked through the sliding doors of the Odeon cinema. But on second thought, he knew it was never wise to have made such general resolutions, as he could not account for the state of mind of his future self. He trembles a little as he buys a ticket for Oculus, painful memoires cascade over him. Jean Paul Sartre's Being and Nothingness is stowed in his coat pocket for comfort. He wishes he settled on something shorter as there is a noticeable bulge.

AE takes his seat, not knowing what to expect from a film about a haunted mirror with the ginger one from Dr. Who in it. To begin with he is bored beyond belief, and mortified that a boy should be thrown in a mental institution for having the bravery to defy social conventions and shoot his father. But AE begins to grow uncomfortable. The drama intensifies. He wants to turn away, to flee from the cinema, but his eyes are glued to the unfolding action. His heart stops as Karen Gillan accidentally bites into a lightbulb instead of an apple, and his face pulls all kinds of contortions of disgust as she spits out bloodied glass and goes on to thrust a shard of plant pot into her lover's throat. By the time the film meets it's unbearably tense conclusion, AE races from the cinema and rushes towards the toilets, but instead is sick all over a passing punk rocker. Stony eyes glare into the depths of his soul.

"Now," AE begins nervously, "to respond to this dreadful mishap with anger would be to follow social norms...". The punk rocker obviously disagrees. The next thing AE knows he is lying in a hospital bed, severely battered. Social norms are nothing compared to a ruined Sex Pistols T-Shirt. Meanwhile, in another cinema on the other side of town, Hipster Girlfirend is watching...

-Part III-

-Episodes-

"How he would have loved this meta-textual comedy!" sobs Hipster Girlfriend as she tosses yet another tear sodden tissue on an ever growing mound. "But then again, he would have thought the focus on Shaun and Beverly's marriage highlighted a common case of mauvaise foi in our society. Perhaps he'd think Matt LeBlanc was a fellow existentialist in this respect." Even as she says the words, Hipster Girlfriend thinks this is unlikely. A letter clatters out of the door and drifts serenely towards the mat. She rushes to examine it, expecting correspondence from AE. She is not disappointed.

"It's him! Requesting a cinema for a rendez-vous, just like the old days! But his choice of film is certainly unusual. Chef sounds bland and light-hearted."

Bearded Stranger retreats from posting this forged message, uneasy in the knowledge that he has just lured Hipster Girlfriend to her death. Meanwhile, the second part of Jealous Lover's plan is unfolding, involving...

-Part IV-

-Requiem for a Dream-

Moustachioed henchmen storm the hospital in which AE is recovering from the vomit induced violence. Ignoring his baffled entreaties, they drag him from his bed and into a van, where he is promptly blindfolded and tied up.

"You may take my liberty," he screams, "but I have a freedom that you will never have. You are trapped by mauvaise foi! I am truly free!" The moustachioed henchmen ignore his incomprehensible ranting until they lead him into Jealous Lover's torture chamber. As his blindfold is removed, he is surrounded by mirrors identical to the one in Oculus. All of them are whispering to him. Around him whirl lightbulbs and apples, so quickly that he does not know which is which. Overcome by all this, AE collapses on the floor and unleashes an ear piercing scream. His sanity begins to rapidly desert him as he is scooped of the floor and strapped to a chair in front of a blank screen. His eyelids are held open by a contraption similar to that seen in A Clockwork Orange.

"Why are you doing this to me?" he asks with what scraps of humanity he has left.

"You crossed Jealous Lover," smirks the most menacing Moustachioed Henchmen, "no one does that lightly."

Without warning, Requiem for a Dream commences on the screen. The subtext and depth of the film initially encourages the little shred of film critic still left inside Angry Existentialist to resurface. But men of a stronger disposition have been unable to finish watching Darren Aronofsky's visceral thriller. By the end of the movie, all of AE's sanity has deserted him, and images of Jared Leto's arm now swim amongst mirrors and lightbulbs. Although AE has now been conditioned to abandon his flirtation with recreational drugs once and for all, the man he once was has ceased to be. AE is dead inside. Meanwhile, Hipster Girlfriend is bored silly in the Odeon, watching....

-Part V-

-Chef-

As Hipster Girlfriend battles her desire to fall asleep, eager not to miss AE's arrival, Jealous Lover walks to the front of the stage to the side of the scene. Realising once again that the audience are in the dark about his latest ingenious and sinister plot, he commences a soliloquy to fill them in:

"My dastardly plan is almost complete! Knowing that Angry Existentialist possessed the sort of weak constitution that is easily overcome by a good horror film, I have driven him mad. He is currently stowed away in a mental hospital, and unable to stop the unfolding of my final scheme. I have bribed the cinema staff, so that when Hipster Girlfriend made her usual request of popcorn sprinkled with fairy dust, the cinema attendant placed explosives amidst this sweet treat. As I well know, she will never finish the popcorn for fear of expanding her waistline, leaving my explosives disguised masterfully. Soon they will wipe her twee little figure off the face of the Earth." Jealous Lover is about to leave, but then returns to the front of stage as he remembers something. "Oh, and as a final punishment for her cruel rejection of me, the final two hours of her life will be spent watching this appallingly bad film. Oh, how evil I am!" He finally leaves the stage, cackling horrendously. 

Meanwhile, Hipster Girlfriend is looking anxiously at her watch. The film is nearly over, and AE still hasn't shown up. Could he have forgotten?

"I thought he loved me," she mutters discontentedly, "why would he make me watch this awful film?"

As the film draws to it's predictable and saccharine close, the man in the seat next to her delivers his verdict to his cinematic companion.

"That was the most dreary two hours of my life," he yawns, "it could only be improved if the entire audience had been obliterated before we endured such trash." Ever eager to please, Jealous Lover does just that, unfortunately after the film though and not before it. A fireball erupts out of the space where Hipster Girlfriend's popcorn once existed, engulfing not only the audience of Chef, but also those people who chose a better film to watch. The Odeon explodes dramatically. Glass shatters and the building crumples in a flaming inferno. A singed piece of popcorn bounces across the car park. Jealous Lover, dressed in a luxurious smoking jacket, smugly picks it up and lovingly slips it between his lips. As he savours the charred taste of popcorn, another taste overpowers it: victory. The curtain falls on Act Three...

Musings of an Angry Existentialist (at the Cinema): Act 2

The second act begins in a gloomy psychiatric ward, as stale dust envelops the Bourgeois Audience. You, Dear Reader, suffer from a cacophonous sneeze which momentarily derails proceedings. On a bed with a supernaturally creaky mattress lies an emaciated figure. On the bedside table is a well thumbed copy of Jean Paul Sartre's Nausea. A steady drip of tears can be heard as a sizeable puddle of salt water collects on the floor. As the Bourgeois Audience has probably guessed, this is Angry Existentialist (AE), having remarkably survived certain death at the climax of Act 1. A bearded stranger interrupts AE's sorrow.
"How did you find me?" AE's voice tremors with the depth of his pain.
"I found Mysterious Beginning hospital and drew my own conclusions," responds the bearded stranger with an appropriate level of solemnity. There is a brief pause. "Your Hipster Girlfriend is in grave danger. You must come out of hiding, and re-enter civilisation in order to save her from the clutches of her Jealous Lover."
"But hell is other people!" whines AE.
"Her heart is heavy with longing for you. It is time to shake of your morbid stupor and rise to your role as Initially Underwhelming But Ultimately Heroic Protagonist."
"Well, if you insist...."
The old friends dramatically walk into the Gimmicky Flashback Ward, taking the audience back to....

-Part I-

-The Resolution of the Cliffhanger-

Jealous Lover is the first to breath after AE tumbled off Possibility of Tragic Death Tower Block. Hipster Girlfriend so stubbornly refuses to breath after the death of her gallant lover that she comes close to fainting.

"Well!" begins Jealous Lover pompously, "It hurts my pride that you would think of replacing me with someone so unschooled in the art of dance..."

"But your idea of dance preceded your existence, and forced you to conform..."

"My God, the rascal has infected you too. Come along now Hipster Girlfriend, come to my dark and foreboding tower where I shall take advantage of your grief and make you mine once more!". Numb with her pain, Hipster Girlfriend acquiesces. With his ex-lover safely imprisoned in the back of his car by the child-lock, Jealous Lover takes a brief walk in order to take an indulgent look at AE's mangled corpse. But ice freezes his vains. There is no bloodied corpse. AE has survived.

Indeed, a series of Remarkable Coincidences have ensured AE's continued existence. An Eccentric Aristocrat had just been left by his Snobbish Wife, and his unbearable grief had found her only gift to him, an extremely sturdy trampoline, as its focal point, The Eccentric Aristocrat's first instinct was to burn this nostalgic gift, but then a sense of Philanthropy stirred within him. Rather than engage in wanton destruction, he decided to give his unwanted trampoline to the proletariat. But then he recoiled from his altruism, realising that he would have to mix with the unwashed masses in order to pass on his gift. Arriving at a happy compromise, the Eccentric Aristocrat made a trip in his private helicopter over the area which most evoked T. S. Eliot's The Wasteland, and tossed the offending trampoline into the abyss, before returning to his mansion fulfilled. By a remarkable stroke of luck, the sturdy trampoline survived the fall and landed directly beneath Possibility of Tragic Death Tower Block, the perfect place to cushion AE's fall. Jealous Lover is less than impressed.

"Damn you!" he growls, accelerating the slow decay of the tower block by giving the wall a mighty kick. His next deceleration is louder. "Do you think you've outwitted me? Eh, do you? You're gravely mistaken Sir! I will have the last laugh. Ha! You see? Ha, Ha! My Moustachioed Henchmen will ensure that you will never set foot in society again. And what's more you rogue, Hipster Girlfriend will never know you survived the fall!" Jealous Lover makes a dramatic exit whilst cackling horrendously.

And so the years drag on. Hipster Girlfriend remains imprisoned in Jealous Lover's foreboding tower. She considers doing a Rapunzal, but quickly concludes that this is futile, as Jealous Lover visits frequently with scissors. Miles and miles away, unbeknown to her in a faraway land, Angry Existentialist is watching...

-Part II-

-Breaking Bad-

AE grizzles into his larger; he has had to abandon his expensive taste in single malts as his Gothic mansion and all his worldly possessions have since been seized by Jealous Lover's Moustachioed Henchmen.

"Maybe I could be a television critic," he sulks, "I'm certainly not entering a cinema again!". He hasn't seen another human being for several years, or shaved, or washed, or changed his clothes. His suit is now a distinctly less brilliant shade of pink. His attention is once more drawn towards the plights of Walter White and Jesse Pinkman.

"Why seek to prolong your life at all? Especially via the production of a drug which distracts people from their true quest of creating meaning in their lives! Oh this mortal coil!"

There is a knock on the door. AE is mightily shocked. Taking inspiration from the show's protagonists, AE has purchased a squalid camper van with what remaining funds he has left and driven into the depths of the American wilderness. It is an 1000 mile walk to the nearest town. It is absolutely impossible that Jealous Lover could find him here. AE has been on the run from the Moustachioed Henchmen across the globe.

"Nobody's here!" yells AE in a self defeating attempt to deny his presence. The door creaks open, and in strides the bearded stranger. They exchange Meaningful Eye Contact, before AE lets out a primal wail and comes hurtling towards his visitor.

"Where were you when I needed you? Why did you tempt me into those darkened cinemas? Why have you ruined my life?" yells AE. The bearded stranger struggles to breath through torrents of tears, and the stench of the unwashed existentialist makes him want to vomit desperately. Just in time, he hauls AE's deflated body from off of his bohemian clothes and takes a satisfying gulp of fresh air which has not yet been spoiled by AE's odour. 

"You have given up on life Angry Existentialist! How can you create yourself when you're always on the run? You must make a stand, and defeat your antagonist, reclaiming your sweetheart!"

"But I haven't the energy! Since my birth I have been engaged in an unrelenting duel with life, and now finally life has emerged the victor."

"Curse your narcissism! Your Hipster Girlfriend does not even know that you are alive!"

Guilt flashes through AE's eyes. Without further delay he scrambles over to his collection of second hand DVDs, and selects one to post to Hipster Girlfriend. He addresses it thus:

Jealous Lover's Dark and Foreboding Tower

Antiquated Village

Dark (and Haunted) Forest

Albion/Blighty/Land of Strawberries and Cream/Darn Good England

ST6 8HY

The film he chooses is:

-Part 3-

-Barton Fink-

"It must be him!" cries Hipster Girlfriend euphorically. "No one else would spontaneously send me a film about a conceited, esoteric artist falling foul to the brutality of the real world!". Her pet rat listens attentively

She realises she must take action at once. After the failure of her Rapunzal related plan, she has instead made a parachute out of her many, many floral dresses, which she now attaches to herself with blue ribbon. She takes a deep breath, clenches her fists, and without fear launches herself out of the window in a bid for freedom.

Jealous Lover does not hear the sound of smashing glass as he is deeply engrossed in a Menacing Interview with one of his mysterious associates.

"So you found him and convinced him to return to society? Right into my clutches! Oh, you have done well bearded stranger." The bourgeois audience gasps at this unexpected plot twist. You begin to choke as your sip of sauvignon blanc goes down the wrong way.

"I have done as you asked, I hope you will uphold your side of our agreement." Jealous Lover realises that the audience is in the dark about his evil scheming, and so eagerly begins a soliloquy in order to fill them in.

"Knowing that bearded stranger was a close associate of my arch nemesis, it was a natural move to track him down. While he was sleeping, I inserted minuscule explosives into the bushy depths of his beard. When he awoke he had two remaining options. Either to heartlessly betray his friend and co-operate with my repugnant scheme, or shave and thus remove the danger of spontaneously exploding. I knew which choice he would make, such is my cunning!" The bearded stranger's face is now traffic light red as he is reminded of his embarrassing predictability.

"And now," smiles Jealous Lover, "come with me to Hipster Girlfriend's cell and laugh at her helplessness!" And so they both become prithee to Hipster Girlfriend's escape. But Jealous Lover is unperturbed.

"The hunt becomes even more delicious. The situation demands that I break my promise to disarm the explosives in your beard tonight, and instead require a further betrayal from you on my behalf. You are to drive Angry Existentialist to madness, such that he will be incapable of rising to his duties as Heroic Protagonist. And I have the perfect way for you to execute my will!"

The curtain falls to the sound of Jealous Lover's crazed laughter, as the Second Act concludes. 

Musings of an Angry Existentialist (at the Cinema): Act 1

On a windswept and explicitly moody moor, the Angry Existentialist (AE for short) strides purposefully. A faint grin plays across his lips as he considers how beautifully his coat is flapping about in the wind, but this brief whimsical expression is rapidly extinguished as AE remembers that happiness is mauvais fois. But what's this? AE's melancholy brooding is interrupted by the arrival of a bearded stranger. Once ignoring him any longer becomes untenable, AE exchanges a venomous glance in the stranger's direction.
"Do not fear me Angry Existentialist," bellows the stranger in a surprisingly melodramatic voice, "I come to ease your tortuous angst!"
"Then your struggle has been in vain," mutters AE, "happiness is a stranger to me."
"Spare me the self pity!" boomed the stranger. "The antidote to your pointless ponderings is to turn your attentions to the current state of Western cinema rather than our place in a meaningless world."
And so AE was reborn, and his new life blossomed before his eyes. Suddenly a ray of light broke through his chaotic nihilism, and he understood his calling in life was to be a cinema critic. So without further ado, AE headed down to his local Odeon for a seemingly belated showing of...

-Part I-

-Gravity-

In a meaningless world, why bother spending time and effort making Sandra Bullock float around in space? Why go into space in the first place? Why do anything? AE is unamused by the pretty CGI, having made a resolution long ago that beauty was an illusion, indeed it was a concious attempt to force conformity upon aesthetics. Indeed AE cannot emphasise, or even understand, Sandra Bullock's bid for survival. What is left in her life now George Clooney has drifted into the void along with her chance of seducing him? Then AE remembers that sexual desire is also an example of mauvais fois and abandons this train of thought. AE leaves the cinema in even further dejection, with the film's themes of loneliness and depression encouraging him to write some criminally awful poetry about suffering upon his return home. As he shuffles across the car park, ominous clouds gather in the sky in a feeble attempt at pathetic fallacy. Passers by burst into fits of weeping just at the sight of him. He sees the bearded man standing before him, and decides to vent his anger:

"Oh mysterious stranger! Why did you encourage me to witness this utter waste of money? Who cares about attractive people in space? Why do men in spectacles sweat away for days creating images of humans drifting about aimlessly in the cosmos?"

"Are you forgetting the BAFTA for Best Director?"

"The BAFTAS seek to prevent me creating myself, by forcing conformity..."

"I think it's time we took you to see a comedy Angry Existentialist, I suggest..."

-Part II-

-The Grand Budapest Hotel-

A twee couple throw popcorn at AE as his huddled form perches on his cinema seat. He turns to glare at them, and the hollowness in his eyes murders their souls. AE's condition is so severe that neither Wes Anderson's masterful directing nor Ralph Fiennes expertly executed comedy can ease his pain. Indeed he is furious that the audience all seem to be laughing in the same places. Don't they realise that their freedom is being compromised? AE concludes that the film is too detached from the world of pain to be meaningful. But then again, nothing is meaningful, so it might as well be whimsical.

"What did you think of the film?" beams a delightful young woman who makes a habit of talking to strangers, innocently picked out the ones that least like to be talked to.

"Quirkiness is the refuge of those who cannot face life as it really is." The Girl looks baffled as AE and his long black coat swish off into the distance.

"I wouldn't try to talk to him," groans a disgruntled Daily Mail reader to the girl, "I saw him at Gravity as well. He was immune to Sandra Bullock's tear jerking performance. Heart of stone that one."

"Well if she was going to be that pathetic she shouldn't have been an astronaut," retorts the Girl, wounded by AE's snub.

As she wanders back to her cottage in the suburbs, which happens to be made of gingerbread, she considers how she can heal AE's anguish. In her mind, a pink bunny rabbit suggests sending a dark psychological drama would do the trick. So without further ado, The Girl encloses a suitable DVD in pale green wrapping paper, before tying a pink bow as the finishing touch. And so The Girl goes to the nearest postbox, which happens to be made of marshmallows, and posts a copy of...

-Part III-

-Black Swan-

AE's liver is being put to the test, as in order to drown his sorrows relating to the failure of his career as a cinema critic, several bottles of whisky have been emptied. The tears are now flowing in great abundance. The moonlight seeps in through the stained glass windows of AE's Gothic mansion, and thunder rumbles as The Girl's parcel plops through the letter box. AE more or less tumbles down the stairs, such is the density of his misery.

"Oh life!" he cries as he unwraps the parcel, "What do you want from me? What is the point of it all? Who can help make sense of the chaos of a Godless world?" The parcel answers him: Natalie Portman. Oh good, thinks AE, a bit of light-hearted ballet is just the sort of escapism I need.

After an hour and a half of sexual corruption, toenails falling off and psychosis, AE is left slightly stunned. So stunned that he has not had another swig of whisky for at least twenty minutes. Inside the case of this dark masterpiece is a note from The Girl:

-Meet me at 6:30pm tomorrow. There's a film I want you to see with me. It's called...

-Part IV-

-The Zero Theorem-

AE is prompt, and the casual observer can witness a dramatic change in him. For one thing, the black coat is a thing of the past. He is wearing a lurid shirt and a pink suit. The Girl is equally shocked to see him in such a state, and the surprises keep on coming as they proceed to make small talk. Hand in hand, they walk into the darkened cinema to appreciate Terry Gilliam's latest work. Little do they know that they are being followed by The Girl's Jealous Lover, a muscle bound man with a waxed mustache.

The Zero Theorem, focusing on the negative impacts of faith and the denial of life, means AE finally feels a sense of release from his existential anguish. He realises that unlike the protagonist of the film, he should embrace the chance of redemption offered by The Girl.

And so, after thoroughly enjoying sitting in the dark and ignoring each other, AE and The Girl decide to take a trip to the Sentimental Ending Restaurant before they part company. But they become aware of Tense and Scratchy String Music to Indicate Tension, Jealous Lover is following them! This brings us to...

-Part V-

-The End-

AE and The Girl turn to face their nemesis. Jealous Lover announces his quarrel:

"How could you leave me for this moaning runt?"

"He has Deep Thoughts," screams The Girl, "you never did!".

And so a Somewhat Ludicrous Chase commences, as AE feels the need to adopt a very silly run, so he's not conforming to other people's styles of running. The run seems to be loosely based on Natalie Portman's ballet moves in Black Swan. Soon the chase leads them to the top of Possibility of Tragic Death Tower Block. The couple realise that their luck has run out. Jealous Lover draws a pistol from his belt.

"You have stolen my hipster girlfriend, and tonight you shall pay the price!" wails Jealous Lover.

And so the Angry Existentialist looks death in the face, and regrets that he has not accessed true freedom and created himself in a truly unique fashion. Nevertheless, he will be stoical to the end. He closes his eyes. Draws back the curtains. And sees for certain. What he thought he knew.

And suddenly he is singing Joseph and the Technicolour Dreamcoat. The Girl and Jealous Love watch aghast, as he somehow manages to make Andrew Lloyd Webber's music seem even worse than it is. He begins to dance in a ridiculous manner. Such is the flamboyance of his dance moves that he accidentally topples into the abyss. A collective gasp concludes the First Act...