The setting is a dusty psychiatric ward. On a bed with a supernaturally creaky mattress lies an emaciated figure. On the bedside table is a well thumbed copy of Jean Paul Sartre's Nausea. A steady drip of tears can be heard as a sizeable puddle of salt water collects on the floor. The audience begin to feel a strong sense of deja vu. Was this not also the opening of the second act? The more astute theatre goers notice a detail that passed unnoticed before. Angry Existentialist (AE) is staring in horror at the lightbulb in the room. The treacherous Bearded Stranger interrupts AE's sorrow.
"How did you find me?" AE's voice tremors with the depth of his pain.
"I found Mysterious Beginning hospital and drew my own conclusions," responds the bearded stranger with an appropriate level of solemnity. There is a brief pause. "Your Hipster Girlfriend is in grave danger. You must come out of hiding, and re-enter civilisation in order to save her from the clutches of her Jealous Lover."
"But hell is other people!" whines AE.
"Her heart is heavy with longing for you. It is time to shake of your morbid stupor and rise to your role as Initially Underwhelming But Ultimately Heroic Protagonist."
"Well, if you insist...." As the two men leave the ward, a doctor violently protests that AE is not ready to face a world of lightbulbs in which everyone's arm will look like Jared Leto's.
"There are causes higher than Angry Existentialists sanity," responds the Bearded Stranger gravely. "He must make the ultimate sacrifice in order to save his Hipster Girlfriend." AE is about to protest along the lines of the primacy of the individual in existentialist philosophy, but he is silenced by his conscience. Bearded Stranger now grasps AE's arm and storms through the hospital. His eyes show a steely determination which unnerves AE, but currently he is more concerned with all the lightbulbs he is passing underneath, which almost certainly he will have to munch on. AE wails for the Bearded Stranger to slow down, but he is ignored. A tear rolls down the Bearded Stranger's cheek as they near the main doors of the hospital. As the Bearded Stranger flamboyantly flings them open, AE is blinded by the sunlight and is initially unaware of the two police officers advancing towards him.
"Here he is," declares Bearded Stranger in a flat, gruff voice. Before AE is aware of what's happening, he is in handcuffs.
"Angry Existentialist, I am arresting you on suspicion of multiple counts of murder and the destruction of the Odeon cinema in Rundown Town. You do not have to say anything..."
"Bearded Stranger!" wails AE is he is unceremoniously hurled into the police vehicle, "How could you betray me?" As his plan unfolds to perfection, Jealous Lover is watching...
-Part I-
-Monty Python: Live (Mostly)-
Jealous Lover is outraged. Television suits have interrupted his viewing pleasure, as the Penis Song is deemed inappropriate for pre-watershed viewing and completely cut from the live broadcast. His anger soon bubbles over and he hurls an albatross at the screen.
"How could they do this me?" he yells, face the colour of beetroot with beads of sweat dripping from his nose. "I pay my licence fee! Is is my right to listen to the Penis Song. Damn you television executives!" He slams his hand down on his servants bell, and a moustachioed henchman hastily arrives.
"I want the head of the GOLD television network murdered!" he cried.
"It shall be done," responds the characterless servant, who quickly leaves to do Jealous Lover's bidding. By the time the Bearded Stranger arrives, Jealous Lover is in fits of laughter over the Lumberjack Song.
"Angry Existentialist has been delivered into the hands of the police, as you commanded," he says solemnly. An air of sadness and guilt now pervades the Bearded Stranger.
"Good, good," responds Jealous Lover impatiently, eager to return to the Pythons.
"You said you'd take the explosives from my beard..." Jealous Lover's thumb comes hurtling down to thunderously press the pause button. He turns to the Bearded Stranger with a look of pure hated in his eyes.
"And why should I do that?" he snarls. Spittle drenches the Bearded Stranger.
"It was our agreement..."
"Why should I agree to anything? I hold all the cards here. At the push of a button, you would be no more, you would cease to be, you would be an ex-bearded stranger. You are entirely in my power." The Bearded Stranger turns deathly pale and wobbles slightly on his feet. A trembling hand attempts to remove Jealous Lover's spit from his face.
"So I betrayed my friends...for nothing."
"Nonsense! If you hadn't done exactly as I asked then you would not be standing her today. When I require your services again, you shall be called for."
"So I'm your slave!" Bearded Stranger is now shaking violently with fury. Jealous Lover can feel the heat of his anger. The Bearded Stranger's chin is roasting and wisps of smoke begin to escape from within his beard.
"I wouldn't think of it like that. As our existentialist friend would hasten to inform us, we're all slaves to social norms. It's just that the deal is more explicit with you." This is the final straw for the Bearded Stranger. He launches himself at Jealous Lover, who is terrified as one of the reasons Hipster Girlfriend jilted him was because of his lack of biceps. He shudders at the prospect of bruises appearing on his perfectly pampered face.
"Stop!" he roars, "or I'll detonate your beard."
"Then we'll both go down together, my exploding beard will be fatal to you." Jealous Lover's mortality suddenly flashed through his eyes. His heart beats shudderingly, and he begins to nervously hum Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.
"Give me back my beard!" cries the Bearded Stranger. He is holding the puny figure of Jealous Lover by his moustache. But his advantage is brief. Before he can stop him, Jealous Lover's spindly hand is thrust down upon his servants bell and within seconds Bearded Stranger is dragged away and restrained by moustachioed henchmen. He realises that now the game is up. He has played all his cards, and awaits death at the hands of Jealous Lover. He closes his eyes and tries to force an air of serenity upon himself.
"Oh Bearded Stranger," begins Jealous Lover smugly, "you've made some very, very bad decisions. And now it is time that you pay for them. Have you any last requests?"
"Let me send Angry Existentialist a film," whimpers Bearded Stranger as he chokes back tears, "let me send him....
-Part II-
-The Great Escape-
"What a waste my life has been!" AE begins his soliloquy with spirit. "My true love has been murdered by my spineless friend. I sought to make myself, instead I have been undone by the cruelty of a heartless world." AE has been condemned to life imprisonment. The evidence was conclusive. 'Existence precedes essence' was scrawled in graffiti over the ruins of the Odeon, whilst pages from Camus's The Outsider were to be found floating in the breeze when the police arrived on the scene. The prosecution suggested that AE committed the atrocity as an act of existential angst, similar to the shooting of the Arab in The Outsider. The defence felt intimidated by literary references, and were at a loss as to how to respond. It took the jury seventeen seconds to decide on a verdict. But we are interrupting AE soliloquy and he continues by beginning to sing in a monastic recitative.
"Why me? Why did my girlfriend have to have a psychotic former lover? But do I regret meeting her? No!" At this point a DJ enters stage left and begins to lay down some beats. A disco ball descends from the ceiling. The sound of unfastening Velcro can be heard as AE's prison clothes are flung from his now gyrating body. The audience gasps as they behold their protagonist wearing only some sparkling Y-Fronts. Some ladies in the front row faint.
"I lover her!" proclaims AE in a melodramatic musical theatre style. He is suddenly flanked by hordes of backing singers who respond:
"He loves her!" They begin to sway and clap.
"I saw her at a movie/ It really was quite groovy/ She's even more attractive than Ralph Fiennes!"
"Oooh Ralph!" coo the backing singers. Hordes of dancers flock onto the stage, and begin to throw their bodies into all sorts of bizarre contortions.
"Helena Bonham Carter/ I say my girl is smarter/ Ben Wishaw is a cutie/ But my girl is more fruity/ She's really quite attractive/ She makes my heart quite active/ I'd really like a peerage/ But I prefer her cleavage/ I also like her face/ There's nothing I'd replace/ Yes, I looooooove heeeer!"
"He looovvvvvessss heeeer!" The dancing has become more frantic, and the DJ chooses this moment to drop the bass. A rapper joins AE on stage, and takes over from AE's appalling rhymes.
"He quotes Paul-Sartre like a pro/ He gets quite gloomy, feels quite low/ Heidgger, Husserl, a bit of Nietzsche/ Pain and suffering's his best teacher/ His everyday thoughts are really deep/ He writes poetry before he goes to sleep/ It's a shame that it's all bloody awful/ He'd happily give Aristotle an earful/ For saying there's a common human nature/ Watch out essentialists, he'd berate ya/ He's an angry existentialist/ Yeah he's an angry existentialist!"
"Oooo Angry Existentialist!" coo the backing singers. The dancers have by now at least trebled in number. Outsider AE's now somewhat cramped cell, prison wardens and prisoners alike are grooving to the funky tunes. But suddenly the music stops, as a DVD is pushed through the flap at the bottom of AE's cell. The assorted dancers, backing singers, DJ and rapper peer over AE's shoulder in tense anticipation as he examines the DVD. A smile spreads across AE's face. He lovingly opens the case, dreaming off alleviating the monotony of prison with the highlights of Western film-making. But the contents are even better than he could have imagined. Inside is a small explosive device and a note from the Bearded Stranger. It reads thus: I know you can never forgive me, but use this explosive to escape from prison and have your revenge on Jealous Lover. Love from the Bearded Stranger xxx.
"He turned out all right in the end," sighs AE, before hastily placing the explosive on the wall and instructing everyone to stand back. In less than a minute, AE and his troop of singers and dancers joyfully escape from prison doing the can-can. But he is unaware of...
-Part III-
-The Final Cliffhanger-
Bearded Stranger trembles. He is tied to a chair, which is suspended by a rusty chain over a dark pit. His beard is in disarray, and he is facing the smug figure of Jealous Lover.
"You see I could have been merciful," continues Jealous Lover triumphantly. He has been gloating for the past five hours, and the Bearded Stranger is almost ready to welcome death if it means the end of his speech. "I could have simply detonated your beard, and you would have tumbled off this mortal coil in an instant. But you don't deserve that, and it's much less fun for me. Instead behold..." The pit is illuminated. "...the pit of carnivorous kittens!" Bearded Stranger nervously looks down into the pit. The kittens are staring back up at him. The small bundles of fluff have crazed looks in their eyes, and their leathery tongues provocatively lick their lips. Some of them growl at him, exposing their razor sharp fangs. There is a jolt as the Bearded Stranger's chair begins to descend into the pit. The curtain falls to the Bearded Stranger's ear piercing screams as he prepares to be devoured.
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