The Wicker Man (or Why Remakes are the Root of All Evil)

Honestly, do you know a good remake? The Wolfman for example. The new one is more gory, but what was wrong with the original? Another one, Arthur. As much as it was amusing watching Russell Brand stumble around, squeaking at people, where is the charm of the original? The trouble is, stories don't easily translate to a new time and place. And why bother remaking them in the first place? It's just an honourable way of saying that you're going to completely plagiarise an existing work and see if you can make some more money out of it.

So why this scathing dismissal of remakes? Well, I am ashamed to say I bought the wrong Wicker Man. Hoping to get in on the pagan weirdness, I picked up the first thing that said 'wicker man' on it. And practically everyone's trying to get in on the wicker action. After the 1973 original, a cult classic apparently (although buying the wrong one meant I still haven't seen it), it was meant to be the end. But oh no! First we have a second Wicker Man, an all-American version in 2006. Then the UK thought they might have another go, and released The Wicker Tree, which seems to be some sort of sequel.

"And I set fire to Nicholas Cage! Watched him burn as I touched your face!"

So what's wrong with the remake? The primary fault is Nicholas Cage. I cannot stand the man! Any film with him in is bound to be substandard (think National Treasure and Ghost Rider). This was a major problem, as throughout the film I was actually hoping for him to get sacrificed as a punishment for his disgrace to the acting profession. And even more horrifying is that the others are equally appalling. Kate Beahan seems incapable of any emotion whatsoever as Willow Woodward (and what sort of a name is that), a mother desperate to find her missing, possibly sacrificial daughter. Ellen Burstyn makes Sister SummersIsle, the menacing leader of the strange cult, look like a kindly old lady who occasionally comes up with some rather odd ideas.

Add to this the fact that most of the film consists of weirdness for the sake of weirdness and unanswered questions. Two of the bizarre ensemble of characters always talk in unison. Why? The barmaid appears to be a particularly burly man who's had a sex change. Why? Cage opens a door to find a smiling girl covered in bees. Why? Most infuriating is the fact that Cage can't decide if he really tried to rescue some people from a burning car, or if he just imagined the whole thing. The viewer is not considered important enough to be given a definite answer.

The worst thing is that we're meant to be terrified by this weirdness, but in the end it just leaves us mildly confused. We think "why on Earth is Nicholas Cage imagining himself holding a drowned girl?", whereas the intended reaction is "'Cor blimey! It's a creepy drowned girl!". In fact I was so bored that I became extremely annoyed by the elbow patches on Nicholas Cage's jacket. He's a police office, not a university professor.

On a more serious note, the film is horribly misogynistic. On discovering that women play a more important role than men on Summers Isle, Cage splutters "So men are what...second class citizens!". Really? So it's OK for us to utterly repress women for centuries, but if a group of them decide they're fed up and want to get their own back, that's outrageous. What's worse is that screenwriter Neil LaBute seems to want us to accept that this is morally wrong, and hope Nicholas Cage, our knight in shining armour, can put women back in their place. It's sickening.

So who is responsible for this horrible mess? I think all the actors play a part in making proceedings unbelievable and unbearable. Neil LaBute is not only responsible for a truly dreadful screenplay, but also uninteresting directing. According to IMDb, he's "an unforgiving judge of the ugly side of human nature", which makes it all the more disappointing that The Wicker Man was a resounding failure.

Returning to the theme of remakes, it's clear to see how The Wicker Man remake doesn't work. We're now meant to believe that the clan is formed from witches who fled Salem, which is nowhere near as disturbing as proposing some British people in an isolated community still cling to pagan ways. The move to the isolated Summers Isle distances us from the weirdness, and it would be much more creepy if the sacrifices were taking place on the mainland, closer to home. It was never meant to be, but alas, it is. Which is way the second Wicker Man will be forgotten while the first remains "a cult classic".

Rating: 2/10